Ahhhhhhhh. Whirlpool tubs are so grand!

Perhaps you’re lucky enough to afford to build your own home.  Maybe you’re remodeling the masterIMG_0097 bath to something you’ve envisioned in your dreams.  Of course, to complete the look and feel, you have to have a whirlpool tub in it, right?  Seeing yourself sipping wine in a frothy mountain of bubbles while reading a great book, just seems too appealing. Maybe you’re imagining floating rose petals, with candles casting a romantic ambiance on the warm water, and your significant other soaking away right across from you with a twinkle in the eyes. Ain’t life grand?

Time for a reality check! Truth is, with whirlpools, the vast majority of people install them with the same vivid dreams, but never, or very rarely, use them. They soon find out how life comes along and realize that the time and effort just aren’t feasible or worthwhile (kind of like the treadmill in the basement now turned into storage unit.)  Kids?  Oh you have kids, LOL.  Well you will never use it again (they might though – see #10.)

Here’s my grand compilation of 10 whirlpool realities:

  1. They’re expensive!  You’ll be hard pressed to find a decent one under a grand.
  2. They’re deep and take a boat load of water to fill up!  Like 1,000 gallons! Some are as big as a Grand piano!
  3. You have to heat that 1,000 gallons of water, too!  You only have a 40 gallon electric water heater?  LOL. Well, I haven’t tried it, but I’ve heard ice therapy works wonders for a body.  Have fun with that! “Oh they have in line heaters you can install,” says the salesperson.  “For an extra grand, they add.”
  4. Speaking of which, all the amenities and add-ons are endless! “There’s also multi-colored mood lighting that’s optional as well,” states the salesperson again. Aw, who cares honey, you only live once, right?  Besides, just think of how jealous our friends will be when they see our expensive whirlpool! (that we’re never going to use.) We most certainly need the built-in wine cooler and TV! Another grand. Make that two.
  5. They take time to fill and use! By the time it’s filled, your free/bath time is over!  They also take time to use. Some days, it’s hard to find time to take a quick shower, let alone a bath.  My wife, the mother and caretaker of 5 kids (including me!,) sometimes goes days without one – LOL! Who has time to take a bath anyway?
  6. They can be downright uncomfortable.  Like 4 pages into your great novel, and you have to get out cause your back hurts from the way you have to sit (or a jet jabbing you in the back.)  The romantic interlude you envisioned?  Don’t think so. You can barely fit yourself, let alone your significant other. You also find that you can’t stretch your legs out all of the way. What, you didn’t try it out at the store?  I see, you ordered it online.  LOL.  Of course, you can order the bigger, custom, comfortable model, but you know what that means – yup, another grand.
  7. Something else to keep clean.  And they’re usually a pain to do so.  All those nooks, crannies, curves, jets, lights, faucet handles, buttons, holes, etc. are a real treat.
  8. Speaking of cleaning.  Maybe you’re lucky to use yours 3x a year.  You’ll soon find out that the water from the previous time sits dormant in the pipes and tubes.  You then go to fire it up and
    Black stuff in the piping ends up in your bath!

    Black stuff in the piping ends up in your bath!

    voilá, you get a bunch of gunky, moldy, black junk spewed all over your nice clean white tub (trust me, as a Home Inspector, I see it all the time.)  Nothing screams ecstasy like taking a bath in Oreo water.  Doesn’t it look enticing!  Oh, well just drain it out, spray down the walls, and refill.  Easy peasy. Yeah, but you just wasted 2,000 more gallons of water!  What was that imploding noise you just heard?  Oh nothing, just the town’s water tower being sucked dry.  It also could have been your wallet anticipating the water bill you’re going to get next month.  Another grand.

  9. They’re noisy!  Relaxing?  Ha! With all that racket from the jet pump, good luck!
  10. Finally, remember those bubbles? Well, they just don’t mix very well with all those jets and turbulence. In fact, they can quickly cause a menacing bubble blob that quickly overtakes the entire bathroom.  Remember the Brady Bunch episode with the washing machine? My kids sure do enjoy the bubble blob, though, and always have a grand time when staying at Grandma’s house.  Who knew? Maybe if you have kids, that may be the one and only reason to buy a whirlpool.

    Beware of the bubble monster!

    Beware of the bubble monster!

My grand advice: At least consider these 10 reasons before you purchase that cool plastic abyss. If not, you may just be watching your money go down the drain, which is never grand.

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